I had some great goals for last year – 2013, most of them when unrealized, but because of them I made some progress in my health and writing, and even in my general mindset.
At the start of this year, I made goals too. I scaled them back, I made them SMART goals, because I am a smart girl. In my mommy Bible study group, we check in with each other regarding our goals the last week of the month, and I have my pretty list of goals to show them this coming week, shiny and new for 2014.
But I spent most of today waiting with bated breath for some test results. Since I had a miscarriage last month, and am pregnant again, they wanted to check and see if my HCG levels are rising like they should. Because if they are not, then we know that this time will be like last time.
As I put the babies down for their naps, I realized that I had felt pretty great all day, nothing pregnantish about my feelings, and I kind of let myself cave in to fear. There was a time in the past when I just assumed that being pregnant ended up with a happy, healthy baby. But I’ve seen too many friends go through tragedy and complications. I don’t naively count on that as a guarantee anymore. I’ve been living in this middle ground, hoping but trying not to hope. I want to look to the future and plan for my goals and to do lists, but I don’t know – will I still be pregnant next week? Will I be feeling sick because of it? Will I have lost this baby too and not feel like doing anything?
I just don’t know, and so I don’t feel like I can make any plans. But I did get a phone call, my HCG is rising as it should, so one little hurdle is past.
It occurred to me that even though I feel paralyzed in the face of the unknown, it is just that the unknown is tangible to me right now. Next week is always the unknown. There are so many things that can go haywire between now and next week that we would be constantly frozen in fear if we let ourselves. All we have is now, and having a vision for our expectation of the future helps us to take the next step.
And maybe have a contingency plan.
For me right now that means cutting back on most things, making sure I’m getting the rest I need, taking a close look at my diet, and trying to get in a little bit of exercise. A tiny bit, seriously. Over the coming months, whatever they bring, I hope to build more margin into my days and be more present to my family. I guess I do have goals after all.